Preshow

Before the Enchanted Tiki Room show begins, guests wait in the Tiki garden where statues of tiki gods describe themselves.

Maui: My name is Maui, but teenagers call me Maui Wowie. My kids run late and that’s a crock, so I invented the first clock.

Koro: A low ha! Wahanana wikiwiki banana. I am Koro, disco dancer! Today I no feel much like dancing. Big hangover! But last night, all tiki friends have big time back at my pad. Big party! When drums beat out the funky jive, I dance and sing to “Staying Alive.”

Tangaroa-Ru: Kids call me Tangaroa-Ru, the blustery ooooooooone!

Kanga: And I am Kanga, mother of Ru.

Tangaroa-Ru: Me gentle fella get caught in rain, float around in turned-over umbrella.

Pele: I am Pele, goddess of hooligans and soccer. Some say I am no fun to play with, for when my thuggish temper rises, the game is called for massive violence!

Ngendi: Legends say I balancing my checkbook, but sad to say, I’m overdrawn.

Pele: I’m the one who’s set to hollar. Ngendi owes me twenty dollars!

Rongo: Me Rongo, god of global culture. The world so good to me, I got time to make sport of how people talk. Me tell grammar correctors, go fly kite!

Tangaroa: [Gong] I am Tangaroa, father of all the tiki gods. Here before you I appear as an unbending tree. Stand back! [Gong] Oh magic branches end your sport, and bring forth checks of child support! [Gong and chimes]

Enchanted Tiki Room

Over the years, there have been numerous small changes to the Enchanted Tiki Room show. Even so, it remains a timeless class. Here we present the original show script, as it was the first day Walt Disney presented this attraction to the world. We’re sure you will agree that it is as relevant today as it was those many years ago.

Female cast member: Welcome to Walt Disney’s Enchanted Room, paid for entirely by a generous donation from our friends at Dole Pineapple. I’d like to introduce you to the star of our show José. José , wake up!

José: Caw! Burritos dais, señiorita. My siestas was too short, but this is better than picking grapes. Oh, what a lot of people. Welcome, people, to Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room presented by our friends at Dole Pineapple. Hey Michael, me gringo. Wake up, it’s show time.

Michael: Aye captain, and what dear lads and lassies these be sittin’ below me. Pierre you bonnie lad, let’s put on the show.

Pierre: Moaning me, I am always ready to, how do you say, “putting on the show.” [Whistles] Pardon me, madam, that whistle was not for the view down your blouse, but for my friend Fritz.

Fritz: Ach imleavin! I almost fell out of rank! Glad to see so many people all in nice orderly rows. Mine Führer, what are you staring at? We had better get this biergarten moving.

Michael: Aye lad, but first we must wake up the fair lassies in the glee club.

Sounds of other birds chirping and singing

José: Tormé! Tormé! It’s show time.

All birds: In the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room. In the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room.

José: All the birds sing songs.

Michael: Of our favorite fruit, in the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room.

José: Welcome to our succulent aviary, made of teak wood and birch. I’d come down there and give you a kiss, if I weren’t nailed to my perch. All together!

All birds: In the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room. In the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room.

José: All the birds sing songs

Michael: Of our favorite fruit, in the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room.

Fritz: I am so glorious, I should start a fourth reich.

José: Yes, so rank we can’t stand you.

Pierre: My singing may not be perfect, but my voice, it is a treat.

Michael: More like a retreat, I’d say. Isn’t that right Herr Fritz?

Fritz: Whoo, whoo! I think Pierre’s circuits have no resistance.

José: Me burritos, stop the chatter, you sound like Congress is in session. There are many more birds here who want a turn.

Michael: The boy’s in the back are called dodo birds.

José: ‘Cause they don’t know the words?

Michael: ‘Cause they’re dodos and birds! And the big crowd of birds is all passenger pigeons, in such a big bunch that they block your vision.

Bird chirping, gunfire

José: The elephant bird won’t take any bunk, but will get up and leave with a packed-up trunk. The birds you have as pets might fly away or die, but the Tiki Room birds are made to not even try.

All birds: In the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room. In the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room

José: All the birds sing songs

Michael: Of our favorite fruit

All birds: In the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room.

José: Our pinapple-sponsored show is really very neat, and all of the birds have gears in them instead of meat. We know that once you’ve seen the show you’re sure to laude it, and run out to the store to buy the sponsor’s product!

All birds: In the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room. In the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room. All the birds sing songs of our favorite fruit in the pina-, pina-, pinia-, pina-napple room.

José: Let’s give all the birdies a big batch of the clap.

Pierre: We, we – applaud! Applaud!

José: And now señiors and señiorettas please turn your taco tasters to the middle. Of the place, that is. We now present the Magically Delicious Dole Whip Fountain.

Fritz: Ach du witerzein! And the wonderbra tweet mobile. There are birds on it that march around in perfect rows and tweet. That’s why they call it the tweet mobile.

Michael: Aye, and a bonnie breeze of lassies there are.

Pierre: Mydamn and masseuse, I present to you the lovely ladies, just like La Cage but with plumper plumage. Barbara, Paula, Marta, Sherrie, Daisy, Bruce Lee.

José: Columbo, where is my little Rosita

[1]?

Tweet mobile birds: Let’s all eat what the birdies eat. Dole, Dole, Dole, Dole, Dole. Let’s all eat what the birdies eat. It’s good for your soul. Let’s swallow a whole pineapple. Dig it like a mole. Take your time, eat some fruit, sing out loud, don’t be cute. Dole, Dole, Dole, Dole, Dole.

José [imitating Bing Crosby]: Let’s all eat what the birdies eat. Pineapple, p-pineapple, p-pineapple.

Michael [imitating Al Jolson]: Let’s all eat what the birdies eat. Oh Mammy, Mammy floating on the Swanie.

Pierre [imitating Joe Penner]: Let’s all gobble down pineapples. Hey, wanna buy a duck? Have a snack with the birds, please don’t choke on the words, sing that sponsored song.

José: Now we want all of you watching to start squawking. In the all together now.

José leads audience in singing the delicious Dole pineapple song.

José: Si, si! Applause! Cheer your mariachis.

Fritz: Wonderbra! Wonderbra! That was better than beer and pretzels.

Pierre: Ah, magnifeet!

José: Si, no one blew a fuse but me.

Michael: And now laddies and lassies we have a loch-sized treat for you.

Fritz: Yeah, the Führer commands that you enjoy it.

Pierre: Moaningme, do not speak if you can not speak correctly. Masseur and metamucil, now we present entertainment better than Jerry Lewis — le singing flowers

Flowers: Ta too ee de plane e plane e la e la
Ay you he a la we he she they a he la
Pu pu tray to me be see lay I la
Hand u hippo cheetah pubah leechee

Runa way
Ahhhh da kil la
Runa way
Ahhh da kil la.

I weigh ah lahahot
I weigh a lahahot

Blah, blah, you way a lot
Blah, blah, you way a lot.

Ta too e yo ma yo ma she ga na dis oh nya
An you pierce a la you pa pa ga na dis oh nya
Bu you fren to say you so so coo la
Hand lip teeth eye lashee
Hand lip teeth eye lashee

Runa way
Ahhhh da kil la
Runa way
Ahhh da kil la, da kil la, da kil la, daaaa killll laaaa

Totem poles chant invocation for Armageddon then reprise followed by darkness, thunder, and shrieking children.

Pierre: Croissant! I think a new king is raining.

José: Either that or you finally took a shower.

Fritz: Silence! The mighty Thor has been enraged by the bad jokes and horrible stereotypes. We should retreat to our bunker.

Pierre: Mouser and milan, it’s time to bid you dudu,. We hope you will treasure the time we have spent together in Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room sponsored by the princely people at Dole.

Birds: The birdies ate their fruit.

Birds chirp

Birds: You heard the flowers toot.

Flowers: No toot flow wa we do sing

Birds: Statues play on drums.

Tikis play drums

Birds: Evil totems chant.

Totems summon Chernabog

Birds: Goodbye and pineapple to you.

José: Oil, olay! Applause. Let’s give our glorious sponsor a standing ovation. Up, up I say. Everybody stand up and thank Dios for pineapple. Olay!

Michael: And now I canna hold it any longer, captain.

José: Si, we have a spectacular joke for you.

Fritz: Yeah, a wonderbra joke. Everybody put out your arms, pretend you have branches, now make like a tree and leave!